It’s not all about improvement. Yes, we are constantly in a state of evolution ~ of change ~ of growth. Two steps forward, one step back as we trip along the path of life. Other times, we are skipping or running at breakneck speed. At times, we move with the swiftness of a sloth. It is all movement ~ it is necessary.
And it is not about being more than or better than what we are right now in this moment. It is about fully being who we are in our present state with the full acceptance and unconditional love of our own hearts.
Often when I speak about self-reflection with people, the main thing that seems to come to mind is this emphasis on thinking back over the day, identifying what happened, and looking for how it could have been done better.
Well, what about those things that you rocked today? How much time do you spend feeling good about what you excelled at? What kind words fill your self-talk to let you know that your accomplishments are recognized ~ not by anyone else ~ recognized, honored, and appreciated by you ~ and only you.
This is just as important ~ in fact, perhaps, more important ~ than this constant striving to have evidence that we have improved. You do know that life doesn’t move in a straight line right? Some days are filled with opportunities to stretch and grow leaving us with very little evidence of success ~ other than the fact that we are still breathing. Other days are easier and filled with opportunities to be engaged in those things that come naturally to us.
Don’t Make It Harder Than It Is
In our society, we tend to place more importance on the energy of suffering, struggling, and hard work. We have a hard time honoring and celebrating anything that comes to us with ease and grace. What the hell is that all about? Is it me or can you relate to that too?
It’s like it just doesn’t mean as much if it wasn’t borne of some kind of self-sacrifice and blood, sweat and tears. Like, if we suddenly had a powerful moment of insight and inspiration and became able to create or accomplish something in an instant that had the potential to be more labour intensive, it doesn’t have as much value. This is a line of thinking that I for one, am ready to cut loose.
The Universe does not say that it is necessary to struggle and work ourselves into the ground before we become deserving of what it is our hearts desire. That’s a human construct whose time has come.
I have noticed when it comes to being of Service in the world it is easy to be focused on external evidence that your actions have had some positive impact. We secretly hope that what we are doing is helping other people. Whether we are aware of it or not, we might get stuck on equating our self worth and the value of our service with visible changes in other people. This is a slippery slope, my friend.
Transformation is often slow at the best of times ~ slow and subtle ~ taking years before we can see significant progress. It is messy and often doesn’t look like anything at all. That’s why it is so important that we learn to grasp the minute shifts that occur, the tiniest of victories that we win, and the simplicity of living life with honor and grace. And the easiest place to find this evidence is always going to be within. And the beauty is that the better we get at recognizing our own value and worth in the most basic ways, the easier it will be to see it in others.
We’ve spent enough time focusing on what we did wrong, how we can be better, where we need to grow and improve. Let’s shift gears and put all our energy into supporting our natural gifts and talents and showering ourselves with our own admiration and gratitude.
Don’t worry about becoming conceited. This is a private dialogue with your own heart. This kind of self-encouragement does not overlook your humanity, it embraces it. This kind of self-love is an essential ingredient in the recipe for self-confidence ~ and that my friend has nothing to do with arrogance.
Practice ending each day with an internal private review of all the wonderful things you achieved today. Keep it simple and really give yourself a pat on the back.
To recap, I’ve had a rather tough time lately. In June 2019
my mother fell down the stairs and was hospitalized with a broken ankle. It was
a nasty break for which she required surgery, and she was in quite a lot of
pain, for the first few weeks of her convalescence. Somehow we all just took it
day by day, as a family, and so survived the crisis. There were other issues
besides the broken ankle. I realize now that my spirituality helped to soothe
my spirits from these vicissitudes, that, and the odd glass of Guiness (you
know in Ireland, they say ‘Guiness is good for you.’)
Thursday, July 28th, 2019
I’ve discovered a number of coping methods to see me through
this experience and I’d like to share them in the hopes that they may help you,
the reader. For example, I like to take periodic mini-breaks by moisturizing my
hands with lotion to which I add a few drops of essential oil (energizing
citrus in the morning and calming lavender in the evening). I find the
fragrance of the oil and the soothing lotion very healing.
I’ve also used a few apps lately. One is a meditation app
called ‘Breathr’ and is produced at the Kelty Centre at Hope Centre. It is
free, but for some reason I downloaded an older version (but it still
works.) You can also try another
mindfulness app called ‘Insight Timer’. I found out about this last app when I
took a mindfulness webinar through Huddol. Huddol is an online service that
offers webinars on a panoply of caregiving topics, including self-care, which
is so vital for us in the work we do for others.
Friday, July 26, 2019
Odd how calm I felt when my mother fell (there was an
enormous crashing sound.) It is only
later that my nervous system went a bit haywire, after my mother chose to
discharge herself from the hospital.
Well, you can understand the effect that would have. I had planned to install all sorts of
adaptations (raised toilet seat with arms, grab bars, and the like. As it
happens a week later I did get a grab bar put in.)
I often liken caregiving to being a front-line soldier in a
kind of war. As in all wars there are
quite a number of casualties, who sometimes suffer from shell-shock (or what
today we call PTSD.) I find the analogy
of the oxygen mask very helpful. You know, those masks flight attendants
demonstrate in airplanes before take-off.
You put your own oxygen mask on first, and only then do you
assist your parent or child. At times I feel like I am slowly gliding along,
other times, hitting major turbulence…
I find it interesting how this event in my life could
actually have positive emotional ‘valence’ (meaning an event that leads to
positive emotions). For one thing, my sister was a tremendous source of
support, as was my brother (via the long-distance phone). However, there are
issues and limitations with sibling support, a subject I will tackle in a
subsequent post, as I believe this is an important topic and should be
addressed.
Saturday, July 27, 2019
Another helpful app I found is the ‘stress and anxiety
companion’, also available for smartphones and free of charge (except you have
the option of paying a small fee for extra features). The app includes an excellent
PMR exercise (Progressive Muscle Relaxation), delivered by a man with a voice
like velvet or liquid honey, very good for winding down after a long day.
Sunday, July 28, 2019
Yesterday I went to the dollar store in search of a
replacement bell for the one my mother uses to summon me from downstairs. There were no bells in stock but I did manage
to find a toy flute that works just as well. I also found an egg timer for a
few dollars (you know the hourglass kind with the coloured sand). I find it works well for short 3-minute
mindfulness interludes. You just flip it over and watch the sand as it pools
down towards the bottom of the glass, which is rather hypnotic and soothing.
Ice cream, in small quantities, also is healing not only for broken ankles but for
rattled nerves on a warm summer night as well.
By the way, if you get a chance, Google the poem ‘When I am
an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple’, by Jenny Joseph. It is excellent, and makes
you realize how very short life is, and how important it is to live it to the
fullest. I may post my own poetic
offering : ‘Old Age is Not For Sissies’, sometime soon.
To tide you over, here are the opening lines to Joseph’s
poem:
‘When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me…’
Isn’t it brilliant? More posts coming up: one on middle-age
invisibility and another on gratitude, and also one on a review of coping
resources for caregivers with a spouse or parent who has dementia. Lots more reading to while away these lazy
summer days…
North Van Caregivers 