I began volunteer blogging at NSCR in 2014. Since then,
North Shore Community Resources (NSCR), has provided me with a safe, supportive
place for me to create and express my ‘voice’, which often goes silent as a
caregiver on a limited income. It was my hope all along that together, my voice
would be woven in with the other caregivers’ voices, so that we could weave a
meaningful, rich tapestry as a way to find community and greater empowerment.
Over the years I’ve enjoyed sculpting animals and fantastic
creatures (pictured above) such as wizards and gnomes. This, together with my
writing, has given me a sense of wholeness which I find very healing.
Oftentimes I’m up late crafting (or writing this piece!), and during those
times I find a measure of peace which can set me off to sleep better than any
pill could.
In the spirit of creativity I would like to share with you
my poem ‘Old Age Is Not For Sissies’. The poem is meant to be humorous and
expresses the ‘lighter side’ of the caregiving journey (which is often quite
intense). So here it is, I hope you enjoy it.
However, I must pause to give credit to Gabor Maté and his book ‘In the Realm of
Hungry Ghosts’ in which one of his patients wrote a poem on the ‘life-as-train’
metaphor which appears in stanza 4 and 6 of my poem.
Old Age is Not for Sissies (by Calm Pond)
There’s no point
Crying over spilled tea
Or every single
Calamity.
Those pesky chin hairs
Are so annoying
And all the money’s
Going, going
But never mind
(I’ve lost mine anyway)
You will be kind,
You must be kind,
Even if it expands
Your behind!
It’s the aging brain,
That’s the name
Of this new game
And grey is the colour
Of your new mane
So hitch a ride
On the aging train.
It can’t be denied
It’s a wild ride
You’re no longer slim
But don’t be dim
And drown your sorrows
In bathtub gin!
The aging brain,
The aging brain
Hitch a ride
On the aging train…
I would like to recommend that you watch a short video (5
minutes) entitled: ‘Can Art Be Medicine?’, on the use of drama, art, and
storytelling in medicine.
In addition to my crafting and poetry I have explored the
art of lifewriting, an engaging hobby that I highly recommend, because it gives
you deep insights into the meaning of your life, a process I will share with
you at a later date.
Also, if sufficient interest exists and it is okay with the
folks at NSCR I’d like to offer caregivers in need some of my ‘worry cubes’
(pictured above). They help turn
‘worriers’ into ‘warriors’, and are a lot healthier than ‘bathtub gin’, (to
quote my poem).
I’d like to close with a quote from the great author Mark
Twain:
‘I have worried about thousands of things in my life, most
of which never happened.’
I’d like to introduce you to some foundational facts that are part of the Conscious Service Approach. I call them Cardinal Truths. In my development of the Conscious Service Approach, I created a set of 10 Guiding Principles accompanied by relevant Cardinal Truths ~ there are 72 in total. I’ll just share a couple of them here.
Cardinal Truth ~ Self-Compassion is the Highest Expression of Self-Love
Most Service Providers see themselves as compassionate people. We strive to empathize and connect with others on deeply emotional levels in order to demonstrate our desire to understand and to convey the message that we’re in this together.
And yet, at times, we find ourselves feeling drained and empty. We created a term “compassion fatigue” in order to describe our condition. We are simply too compassionate and we have exhausted our resources and capacity for caring.
This explanation does not make sense to me. Compassion is a spiritual quality. Compassion is grounded in love and love feels good. If it feels any less than that, it is not love. Perhaps, it was at one point and has morphed into possessiveness, jealousy, fear of loss, or the pain of betrayal. Regardless of the specific circumstances, if we aren’t feeling it, then love has left the building ~ even if only temporarily.
So, compassion itself does not ~ cannot create fatigue. To be compassionate does not make us tired, but lack of self-compassion is exhausting.
And this seems to be the challenge that faces Service Providers on a regular basis. All the energy ~ emotional and otherwise ~ is directed toward other people without regard for the self.
I’m not talking here about taking breaks and pampering ourselves on the superficial level. I’m talking about loving ourselves in the deepest and most profound ways. I mean valuing our bodies as temples for our souls. I am referring to how we treat ourselves in each and every moment. Do we make choices that lead to unhappiness? Do we engage in activities that destroy our health on every level? Do we put ourselves last and call this noble? Do we speak gently to and about ourselves?
It is the day in and day out relationship we have with our own experience ~ our inner reality ~ that indicates how well we love ourselves. It is not something we save for the weekend or only offer to ourselves once we have hit the brick wall and can’t function.
I have found that self-compassion becomes ultimately powerful when I am faced with what I perceive to be my own shortcomings. Perhaps, I have stepped out of integrity or maybe, I didn’t follow through on commitments I made to myself. Maybe, I flat out made a big mistake and maybe, someone else got hurt in the process. It’s in these moments that the demonstration of self-compassion can be life-changing. It is so easy to love ourselves when we are behaving as we intended, when we feel good about what we are doing or have accomplished, and when everything is right with our world. The test comes when things fall apart ~ when we are disappointed in ourselves ~ when we mess up. These are the greatest opportunities for the development of self-compassion ~ for loving ourselves.
It’s not about making excuses that let us off the hook only so we can repeat the experience again and again ~ rather, real, genuine, heartfelt compassion for ourselves as beings who are continually evolving. When we do this, we create space for unprecedented growth. No one learns and expands in the presence of punishment and scolding. We learn through patience, forgiveness, and acceptance with a gentle nudge toward a new way.
It takes courage to create that space for yourself.
Cardinal Truth ~ Courage builds Resilience. Resilience requires Risk. Risk leads to Growth and Opportunity and makes life worth living.
When my children were growing up, I used to set intentions to declare my hopes for them. This was an internal process and something I held space for. When they struggled with something and I would find myself wishing it was different or I could somehow take away the pain or the challenge, I began to realize that these were opportunities for them to develop resilience among other qualities. And I wanted my children to be resilient.
Of course, we only develop resilience in the face of adversity ~ there is some level of risk involved in the process. Where there is risk there is a need for courage. Yes, I wanted to see their resilience but I was not so comfortable with the risky part of the process.
As Service Providers, we often struggle with the role of risk in the lives of those we serve. Sometimes, we believe that it is our responsibility to ensure that others do not engage in what we perceive as risky behaviour. Risky behaviour is subjectively defined. What is a risk to us may be commonplace for someone else.
Have you ever made a decision that others thought was risky but you knew was essential to your growth and evolution? Without risk, there is no expansion ~ nothing changes. Risk is required in order to move from where we are now to where we wish to go next. It often involves letting go of something familiar in exchange for the vast unknown.
When we take risks and things don’t turn out as planned, we are given the opportunity to develop resilience. When everything is comfortable and familiar, there is no need to tap into our stores of resilience ~ we don’t develop new coping strategies ~ we stagnate.
Healthy risk is essential to our development as human beings and it enriches our lives. As Service Providers our role is to assist people to determine what healthy risk means to them and create safety net should things fall apart. This means we need to be courageous ~ we must go forth without any guarantees ~ we must take a chance.
Compassion for others and for ourselves is necessary as we develop our capacity for courage and our ability to tap into our resilience. This makes us stronger and promotes self-trust.
Compassion is about seeing others and ourselves as capable of change and growth. Compassion helps us to get back up when we’ve fallen and to have faith in our ability to heal and transform.
There’s nothing that says love louder than that.
Where do you stand on the connection between self-compassion, courage, risk and resilience?
Following
the news of the terrible massacre in the media recently, my attention turns to
parents with children. Childless, I do not have the awesome task (in the true sense
of the word ‘awesome’) of explaining a dangerous world to the young,
particularly young folks who might be sensitive, as I was (and still am). I
can’t imagine how difficult that would be. My parents grew up during the Second
World War. They continually tell me how I should feel lucky, indeed blessed, to
live in an age of (relative) safety.
Perhaps in
the case of such global stress (I call it ‘planet stress’), the best thing is
to stop, take a deep breath, and just take a small step forward. And then another
step. And perhaps, on some difficult days, talk your way through it (I.e. ‘Now
I’m getting dressed, then I’m brushing my teeth, and then I’ll go upstairs and check my email…’)
This is a trick I learned while watching the Living Life To The Full video
(LLTTF is at http://llttf.com) .
Perhaps you
face the issue of scary news with your grandchildren, for example. Here is a
book that might help: it’s called ‘Scary News: 12 Ways to Raise Joyful Children
When the Headlines are Full of Fear’ published in 2004 by Crystal Charity
Publishers.
But above
all, not to abandon hope. However, let’s be clear about hope. I think Vaclav
Havel put it very nicely when he wrote : ‘ Hope is definitely not the same
thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well,
but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how things turn
out.’
Monday,
August 12 2019
Lastly,
sometimes ice cream can be very healing (in moderation, of course). I kid you
not.
After a
visit to the doctor I came upon Earnest Ice Cream (only a block away from the
John Braithwaite Community Centre). I tried the Salted Caramel ice cream, pure
bliss. I can only describe it as Heavenly.
I heard the most amazing guidance during my kickboxing class recently. The instructor was demonstrating the next combo and she encouraged us to relax into the process.
She pointed out that when we are panicked and tense on the inside, our access to energy and power is greatly diminished. When we relax internally, we have greater capacity to draw on our strength, our coordination, and our breath.
We burn out real fast if we are frantic in our lives.
And this is true whether we are talking about kickboxing or simply observing the way we move through our days and our interactions with others.
I could see right away how this could make sense on so many levels. And yet, how the hell do you relax when you are exerting so much effort?
Kickboxing is a dynamic and intense workout. You use a great deal of energy punching, kicking, coordinating and remembering to breathe. Where does relaxation come into the picture? It seems completely contradictory.
But is it?
Serenity in the Struggle
I started to think about other things in my life that tend to create tension for me. Anything that creates butterflies in my belly and nervous energy in my heart leaves me feeling somewhat tense ~ even if It’s something I totally love.
Driving is often a source of irritation and a catalyst to a frantic inner state. I have amazed myself many times at how quickly I can go from feeling lighthearted and joyful to spewing vulgarities at the other people on the road from within the bubble of my car. I’ll catch myself grimacing for 10 minutes at a time just because things aren’t moving at the speed I prefer.
Where’s the fire, for crying out loud?
Activities that challenge me to think and grow beyond my current comfort zones also get a rise out of me ~ and sometimes, contribute to procrastination, which only freaks me out even more!
Finding the Sweet Spot
It got me to thinking about how this balance between effort and relaxation has a huge impact upon how we show up in service to others as well.
You have likely heard things like “it’s tough working in the trenches” or “ being on the front lines is very challenging.” We equate providing service to others with fighting a war. We set ourselves up for panic, tension, and a frantic pace. Imagine how this feels to anyone else blessed to be in our presence. Imagine the impact this kind of energy has on our ability to be present and engaged with others.
If we’re not feeling the love, I bet any money, no one else is either.
I decided that I would challenge myself to bring a relaxed approach into anything that I felt required great effort. I intend to use my kickboxing classes as a place to practice this approach. I will set my intention to let go of any panic and desire to rush as it arises.
When I catch myself holding my breath, I will take a moment, to breathe deeply and carry on.
This is a moment-to-moment practice especially when the current activity requires great effort and energy. I have found that I bounce along the continuum between relaxation and effort ~ between panic and grace.
Notice those times when you begin to tense up. It may be within a challenging activity or it may be in anticipation of one. Either way, patiently nurture yourself into a state of relaxation and peace within.
Let’s see if we can find a place where giving our all doesn’t have to get the better of us.
Where is the sweet spot for you between relaxation and effort?
North Van Caregivers 