June, just so you know, happens to be Alzheimer’s Awareness Month. There’s a resource for information on Alzheimer’s below, in the Resources section that follows this post.
For now, I’d like to say that, just like the title of this post, I happen to be in transition myself. I hope this post helps you. And just so you know, all the information in this post came from the following website:
From Working Daughter founded by Liz O’Donnell (‘A community of women balancing eldercare, career, kids and life.’)
Assisted living assumes a certain degree of independence, whereas long-term care is for round-the-clock care. It’s important to know the difference between the two. Think of it this way (the lowest number being the least support):
Independent Living
Assisted Living
Long-term Care
When moving to either assisted living or long-term care, be cognizant of these:
Your parents may mourn the loss of their independence
It’s normal for you to feel guilty
It takes 3-6 months for someone to adjust to assisted living
Daughtering takes a village, enlist help with visits
If the senior says they want to go home, they may mean their childhood home. Allow the parent to express his/her feelings
Surround your parent with their personal belongings. Moving to assisted living usually involves downsizing, but things like (old school) photos don’t take up much room, or say, a familiar blanket or art piece. I did this for my father. He was in long-term care but still, I made sure he had my hand-crocheted blanket to keep him warm at night.
Talk to the staff at assisted living about your concerns. Be an advocate on behalf of your parent or spouse.
Trust your instincts.***
Resources
Try Spotify for ‘Brainstorm’ (UsAgainstAlzheimers), or ‘Caregiver Chats’ with Dr. Lakelyn
Watch the ‘Paradox of Grief’ Ted talk by Julia Samuel (15 minutes) I learned about this excellent video from NSCRs Bereavement Group. The video is available on YouTube.
Mayfair Senior Living in Port Coquitlam is quite reasonable, I found.
For a studio, $3900/month (including meals)
https://Aspiralife.ca I also recommend exploring alternative models of Senior Living such as the Abbeyfield non-profit model that operates in Canada and elsewhere. The houses are smaller: instead of hundreds of residents to care for, there are only a dozen or so. Senior Living on a human scale.
(Fitting for Seniors’ Week in BC, a post on the Art of Caregiving. See Resources for Budget Shopping)
Consider the following quote, by the Roman Epictetus, 2000 years ago:
‘Now is the time to get serious about living your ideals. How long can you afford to put off being who you really want to be? Put your principles into practice—now. This is your life! You aren’t a child anymore. The longer you wait, the more you will be vulnerable to mediocrity and filled with shame and regret, because you know you are capable of better. From this instant on, vow to stop disappointing yourself. Separate yourself from the mob. Decide to be extraordinary and do what you need to do now.’
(Pg 216-17 ‘The Van Gogh Blues’ by Eric Maisel, 2002, New World Library.)
This quote seems much along the lines of ‘carpe diem’ in the 1980s movie ‘Dead Poets Society’ (with Robin Williams). Although I must admit, as a seasoned creator also living in 2024, I believe the world has changed significantly to the point that the above manifesto may no longer be entirely realistic.
Nevertheless, it is honorable and noble and therefore one should aspire to adhere to this message at least as much as one can afford, and not worry about the rest.
As caregivers, we are somewhat like artists because although our work is noble it tends not to be sanctioned by the dominant society. It is fine to be a caregiver BUT only in so far as we are able to earn a living at the same time and be ‘productive’ citizens. As a caregiver from 1999-2024 I always got the message from doctors, employers etc., that making a living and being successful were priorities and that being a caregiver was less of a priority.
This is not how I chose to live my life, however, and this is the reason why I have suffered to such an extraordinary degree in recent years. For as my peers were slowly building their careers and nest eggs, I was spending most of my available time tending to my parents. It is an irony indeed that it seems like society is ‘punishing’ me for being a caregiver full-time rather than part-time; and for maintaining a part-time job rather than a full-time one.
I remember cherishing my ‘blueskymoments’ (as I call them) but also recognizing that by putting my parents’ needs first, I was endangering myself, to be quite honest. So, now, there are predominantly ‘greyskymoments’ (as I also call them), punctuated by the occasional nice day, though I am happy to report things have changed for the better lately. Finally!
I therefore advise all present and future caregivers to hold both realities in the palm of their hand: the realistic, and the ideal—to create some kind of healthy balance between them, if possible, knowing that all the while, there will be days when we have to simply hold our noses and get on with it. This is a sad, fact of life; but I regret to say, it is life. And we do live in 2024, and the cost of living is now outrageous (‘artrageous’?), and therefore we must respect the tenor of our time, as ‘unromantic’ as it may be.
Ah, how I have grown. I see that perhaps I am beyond my 50-something years. This is good yes, but also, rose-coloured glasses have their appeal, nonetheless. A haiku I once read comes to mind. It goes:
‘Dead my old fine hopes
And dry my dreaming, but still…
Iris, blue each Spring.’
I leave it to you to ponder Epictetus’s quote and make it your own, in whatever way you choose. Epictetus was a Stoic, and this school of philosophy (Stoicism) was true 2000 years ago in ancient Rome and still true today (mostly). It is no small miracle that a Roman citizen all those years ago can still speak to our experience. However, in many ways, now is like ancient Rome anyway (e.g. crumbling empire). As they say, time is non-linear. More oceanic than like a straight road (though I’m told those Romans made great roads!)
I offer an apology for changing the plan and writing about the art of caregiving instead of the (planned) post on menopause. That will have to wait. But I read Mr. Maisel’s book with great interest, and believe he is an extraordinarily wise person in an age when wisdom isn’t necessarily valued. He is, as you might have guessed, an existentialist, meaning that he believes in people taking action in their lives. His book is available free of charge through the Interlibrary loan programme at North Vancouver City Library. Otherwise, you can buy a paperback online for about $24.
By the way, it is no mere coincidence (coincidance?) that prior Caregiver Support Program Coordinator Karyn Davies had a graduate degree in Art Therapy, and that our current coordinator, Vic Gailuinas, happens to be a musician. Can there be no better marriage than art and caregiving? (To be honest though, it isn’t an easy one, for the above reasons.) Next week I will write about aging in place and offer some Assisted Living resources for you should you find yourself in the position of having to find a care facility for your loved one.
North Van Caregivers 