“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom.” – Marilyn Ferguson
On your caregiving journey, you will need to make an incredible amount of decisions, and you will be faced with many questions. There will be decisions about your loved one’s treatment plans, questions about their living situations, and decisions about end-of-life care. You will also be faced with questions about what you can manage, such as accessing respite for your loved one or involving another family member or professional in their care. These decisions and questions, though often hard to make, are manageable with the right support and consideration. The question that is hardest is one that every caregiver will ask themselves at some point, and it is unanswerable. “What if…?”
What if my husband get sick while he’s in staying overnight in a respite facility?
What if the treatment plan doesn’t work?
What if my wife is in pain and I can’t help?
What if my mother is unhappy in assisted living?
What if my father can’t remember my name?
These are the questions that keep us awake at night. They make our palms sweaty and our hearts race and they make tears come to our eyes. It can be terrifying to think of all the tough things that could happen.
“Anticipatory anxiety is the anxiety we experience with the initial thought and anticipation of doing something,” explains Lucinda Bassett.* In other words, we are looking forward, the same way we are when we need to make plans or decisions, but we are anticipating something bad happening. We are scared of what could happen in the future and we are worried about losing control. “The truth is that the actual situation is never as bad or as anxiety-producing as the anticipation,” says Bassett. “Nothing is ever as bad as you expect it will be. The anticipation is most often the worst part.”
Ground
The first thing to do when you’re experiencing anticipatory anxiety is to ground yourself in the present moment. “Your fears are all about losing control. If you want to stay in control, stay in the present instead of projecting into the future,” advises Bassett.
Interrupt the “what if” questions with others about the present moment.
Who is here with me?
What am I touching?
What do I smell?
What do I see?
What do I feel?
Worst Case Scenarios
It may seem counter productive, but sometimes when you’re anxious, taking yourself through a worst case scenario can be what helps you to overcome your worry. Let’s use the first “what if” question we talked about as an example.
What if my husband get sick while he’s in staying overnight in a respite facility?
If your husband gets sick while he’s staying overnight in a respite facility, what would happen?
Would the staff have the skills and resources they need to take care of him?
Would another family member or friend come to be with your husband?
Would you be able to speak to your husband on the phone if he needed someone to talk to?
Asking ourselves these questions helps to break down the worries and figure out what we can prepare for, and what we cannot.
Best Case Scenarios
Once you’re feeling grounded, an exercise that can be helpful to deal with those nagging “what if” scenarios is to flip them around. Ask yourself the same question you did earlier, but finish the question with a positive possibility. For example…
What if my husband discovers an effective therapeutic treatment while in respite care?
What if the treatment plan helps with my friend’s mobility issues?
What if my wife is in pain and I have the tools I need to support her?
What if my mother makes some new friends in assisted living?
What if my father and I develop new ways of connecting?
Try out these three methods for stopping anticipatory anxiety, and remember to connect with a counsellor, therapist, or a trusted friend or family member to work through your concerns and worries. You are not alone on your caregiving journey.
Cassandra
*Linda Bassett is the author of, “From Panic to Power: Proven Techniques to Calm Your Anxieties, Conquer Your Fears, and Put You In Control of Your Life.”