by Catherine Bryson
(Fitting for Seniors’ Week in BC, a post on the Art of Caregiving. See Resources for Budget Shopping)
Consider the following quote, by the Roman Epictetus, 2000 years ago:
‘Now is the time to get serious about living your ideals. How long can you afford to put off being who you really want to be? Put your principles into practice—now. This is your life! You aren’t a child anymore. The longer you wait, the more you will be vulnerable to mediocrity and filled with shame and regret, because you know you are capable of better. From this instant on, vow to stop disappointing yourself. Separate yourself from the mob. Decide to be extraordinary and do what you need to do now.’
(Pg 216-17 ‘The Van Gogh Blues’ by Eric Maisel, 2002, New World Library.)
This quote seems much along the lines of ‘carpe diem’ in the 1980s movie ‘Dead Poets Society’ (with Robin Williams). Although I must admit, as a seasoned creator also living in 2024, I believe the world has changed significantly to the point that the above manifesto may no longer be entirely realistic.
Nevertheless, it is honorable and noble and therefore one should aspire to adhere to this message at least as much as one can afford, and not worry about the rest.
As caregivers, we are somewhat like artists because although our work is noble it tends not to be sanctioned by the dominant society. It is fine to be a caregiver BUT only in so far as we are able to earn a living at the same time and be ‘productive’ citizens. As a caregiver from 1999-2024 I always got the message from doctors, employers etc., that making a living and being successful were priorities and that being a caregiver was less of a priority.
This is not how I chose to live my life, however, and this is the reason why I have suffered to such an extraordinary degree in recent years. For as my peers were slowly building their careers and nest eggs, I was spending most of my available time tending to my parents. It is an irony indeed that it seems like society is ‘punishing’ me for being a caregiver full-time rather than part-time; and for maintaining a part-time job rather than a full-time one.
I remember cherishing my ‘blueskymoments’ (as I call them) but also recognizing that by putting my parents’ needs first, I was endangering myself, to be quite honest. So, now, there are predominantly ‘greyskymoments’ (as I also call them), punctuated by the occasional nice day, though I am happy to report things have changed for the better lately. Finally!
I therefore advise all present and future caregivers to hold both realities in the palm of their hand: the realistic, and the ideal—to create some kind of healthy balance between them, if possible, knowing that all the while, there will be days when we have to simply hold our noses and get on with it. This is a sad, fact of life; but I regret to say, it is life. And we do live in 2024, and the cost of living is now outrageous (‘artrageous’?), and therefore we must respect the tenor of our time, as ‘unromantic’ as it may be.
Ah, how I have grown. I see that perhaps I am beyond my 50-something years. This is good yes, but also, rose-coloured glasses have their appeal, nonetheless. A haiku I once read comes to mind. It goes:
‘Dead my old fine hopes
And dry my dreaming, but still…
Iris, blue each Spring.’
I leave it to you to ponder Epictetus’s quote and make it your own, in whatever way you choose. Epictetus was a Stoic, and this school of philosophy (Stoicism) was true 2000 years ago in ancient Rome and still true today (mostly). It is no small miracle that a Roman citizen all those years ago can still speak to our experience. However, in many ways, now is like ancient Rome anyway (e.g. crumbling empire). As they say, time is non-linear. More oceanic than like a straight road (though I’m told those Romans made great roads!)
I offer an apology for changing the plan and writing about the art of caregiving instead of the (planned) post on menopause. That will have to wait. But I read Mr. Maisel’s book with great interest, and believe he is an extraordinarily wise person in an age when wisdom isn’t necessarily valued. He is, as you might have guessed, an existentialist, meaning that he believes in people taking action in their lives. His book is available free of charge through the Interlibrary loan programme at North Vancouver City Library. Otherwise, you can buy a paperback online for about $24.
By the way, it is no mere coincidence (coincidance?) that prior Caregiver Support Program Coordinator Karyn Davies had a graduate degree in Art Therapy, and that our current coordinator, Vic Gailuinas, happens to be a musician. Can there be no better marriage than art and caregiving? (To be honest though, it isn’t an easy one, for the above reasons.) Next week I will write about aging in place and offer some Assisted Living resources for you should you find yourself in the position of having to find a care facility for your loved one.
Resources
Seniors First BC
https://seniorsfirstbc.ca/happy-bc-seniors-week-2024
Budget Shopping:
Shoppers Drug Mart Seniors’ day Thursdays 20% off
Bosleys Pet Store Seniors’ Day Last Thursday of Every Month.
North Van Caregivers 